if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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