She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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