You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
