Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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