My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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