Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
