i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
