i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
