just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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