My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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