Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
