I CAN MOONWALK!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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