Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
