Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
