So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
