I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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