I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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