"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
