that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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