Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
