Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like a drive thru vagina
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
