Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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