You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
