I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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