I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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