32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
