Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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