apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
