well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
