I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
