i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
