Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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