and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
