I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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