wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
