sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
