my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
the liver wants what the liver wants
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
