My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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