I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
