Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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