I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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