All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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