rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
