She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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