my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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