My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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