Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
