it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
