We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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