Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's the barista slut.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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