When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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