my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
