I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
