just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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